The Quest for Peace
If I had to describe Ellen in one word it would be resolute. She is a fighter, and she never stops thinking and searching. What follows is an honest assessment and opinion piece written by Ellen Mara. While her journey may differ to mine, I urge you to read widely and consider a variety of thoughts. Ask yourself why you agree or disagree with something and then investigate. Ellen is also a gifted singer and artist. If you ever want to find her, head to the Kundalini Yoga Collective, or check out her personal blog.
Taken by Ellen during yoga training at Vincentia Beach. Ellen teaches at the Kundalini Yoga Collective and has created a fascinating blog: www.thequestforpeace.blog/
1: Mental Illness. Misunderstood.
Mental Illness.
This would have to be one of the most misunderstood terms of our current age. 'Mental illness', two words that I have also struggled to touch with a ten-foot pole. Firstly, it is a label, and I’ve never been one for labels. Yes, I understand that as a society everything must have a name, a defining word or a diagnosis to describe ‘it’. Human beings have never been able to accept the unknown, but even during the many gut-wrenching panic attacks that engulfed my being as a teenager, I never believed in such a term. Now at twenty-five years of age I can say that these feelings have governed a large chunk of my existence and grew into a battle so fierce that I felt unequipped with weapons to fight back. I never felt that what I was living with warranted labels such as ‘illness’ or ‘disorder’, but funnily enough, I eventually began to identify with this. It almost seemed as though I wore it like a badge, a gold star, which is strange as it only made me feel weaker, more victimised, and I really didn’t need any more reason to exacerbate my ever-present self-loathing. It may seem like a denial thing in regards to mental illness, but I can wholeheartedly say that I have always been acutely aware of my emotions.
Another problem was that I never knew how to explain my emotions, or even comprehend them, and, therefore, I felt misunderstood. This feeling of being misunderstood was a huge trigger, which eventually set off an eruption of dormant emotions that were so turbulent it rippled through my entire being. The point I am getting at is that labels can create an unhealthy stigma and associations to words like ‘crazy’ or ‘unstable’ when potentially, it can simply be a case of being misunderstood, and an inability to express or understand what is happening within. Unfortunately, it still seems that there isn’t enough compassion (or patience) to think outside the narrow-minded box that society has created; so we are chucked into clinical categories and prescribed with drugs that we usually, most certainly, do not need.
Have we ever thought that perhaps some people are acutely more sensitive than others? More prone to picking up outer energies as well as their own? Possibly carrying burdens that are not even theirs? Or that there are significant traumas in the past, or even before this life, that are buried in the subconscious and the physical body?
I know that there has been significant progress made in research and as a collective (our minds are opening), but I believe that it takes a lot more than a doctor, a diagnosis and a pill to assist a distressed soul. It takes patience, understanding, support, love and guidance. Guidance to help steer the person back to their truest self, through in-depth self-analysis and healings. Sometimes textbook knowledge just isn’t enough to treat a person experiencing mind, body and spiritual dis-ease. The brain is far too advanced. It’s a vast universe, and we have barely scratched the surface.
2: Find what works for YOU. There is no right or wrong. Trust yourself.
Before I continue, you are probably thinking that I am a conspiracist who is against doctors, (western) medicine and psychology. I am not. I firmly believe that they all serve a fundamental purpose, but only for a short time. Personally, they acted as stepping stones until I realised that it wasn’t my answer. I had to find methods that would provoke me to face whatever ‘it’ was head-on, strip back layers and tackle the beast that had circled me into a cage. Little did I know - the beast was me. It was/is parts of me that needed attention, observation, understanding and eventually healing.
By now you may be assuming that I am going to go into a spiritual rant about how to ‘heal your own life’ through natural medicine and things like yoga and meditation. Well, honestly I sort of am(!), but this is not a story of enlightenment or spiritual awakening. This has been a journey of loss, grief, pain, overwhelming self-sabotage and crippling anxiety which led to awareness, acceptance and management. I am in no way a spiritual guru who has found the golden ticket to a place where there is only inner-bliss, but through the help of various practices, I have discovered a way to reach a place of stillness and a place with god (god as in me, you, the infinite energy source in which everything is created), a place where I have developed the awareness and the tools to manage. Of course, I am most definitely not happy in every single moment, but I am happy in healthy amounts. This space of stillness, realistically, is not a permanent state to be in and it is not meant to be. It is simply a space to access to bring me back to my truth and inner peace so that I can go on living a human existence without unnecessary pain that I usually choose to hold onto or in some cases, create.
To some extent, I believe everything is a choice when it comes to your own wellbeing. I have done the whole cognitive, behavioural, medical thing and nothing really worked. It wasn’t deep enough; it wasn’t even scratching a surface. It felt more like people were putting band-aids over a festering wound, but please acknowledge that this is my personal experience and many would beg to differ - that is entirely valid. This is about finding what works for YOU. As for me, none of these methods worked until I found my true home and that came through the practice of Kundalini yoga & meditation, kinesiology and a bit of life-coaching. Everything was a turning point pushing me to the ‘therapies’ that worked for me. To truly begin my healing journey, I had to delve into the deepest, darkest core of the source of discomfort and uncover it, face it head on, accept it and do my best to set it free. This was and still is far from easy. In fact, it is the hardest road possible, but as they say, you don’t get far by cutting corners. To be honest, I didn’t have a choice. It was either get to the bottom of it or continue to suffer. The darkness had been a powerful contender, but it seemed that there was always a slither of light.
Ellen is a gifted songwriter and musician. She has released albums, performs regularly and is completing her Bachelor of Music.
3: Find the source. Accept the unknown. Begin to free yourself.
This brings me to the many places and facets that I believe my suffering (potentially) stems from. There is never one thing. Impossible. We are such complex, multi-faceted, mystical beings that we will never truly know. As I mentioned at the beginning, the unknown is a scary place for us, but sometimes there is peace when we accept the unknown. Sometimes there is liberation. I am a firm believer in the mind and body connection - and even previous lifetimes. Through specific therapies and personal research, I do believe that I have carried a lot of pain into this life in order to learn some of life’s most valuable lessons. (I hope I haven't lost you!) Regarding my present lifetime, my body and mind have been holding onto traumas since the womb and the many significant life-altering events that occurred at my most crucial ages (7, 14 and 21). I have delved very deep into the exact source of my pain, through various therapies and healings, and, of course, through my most recent journey with kundalini yoga. I have found myself connecting back to my inner child, forgiving past wrongdoings and being led into the miraculous realm of kinesiology. This technique, executed by my healer, Erin, guided me in finding the exact source and part of the body in which my significant traumas resided. It’s an impossible thing to grasp. The thought of storing emotions and memories in our bodies from not only this life but previous lives, and also from our parents. However, through all of the haze and confusion, there is one thing I am certain of: I have experienced profound transformations where I have released emotions and traumas stored in certain organs or limbs. I have literally cut spiritual ‘cords’ to an ex-partner and reversed belief systems on the spot that no longer served me. I have taken the exact essences, vitamins and foods that my body was instructing me to take and I have experienced the seismic shift after re-birthing yoga workshops in which we are guided to feel and forgive every pain we have experienced from birth to present day.
There is evidence of the mind, body, spirit connect and western medicine is finally starting to jump onboard (eg. IBS - mind and stomach connection). Another example comes in the form of 'gut health'. My gut went to pieces in 2012, after my dad suddenly passed away, and this was only the beginning of my newfound bodily, emotional dysfunctions because there was a domino effect. Our emotions aren’t always ‘mental’ or derived from the mind. More commonly, there are significant memories or traumas stored in our physical body, and this can then cause an imbalance to the mind and/or illness. But, of course, there are outer influences and environmental factors that don’t help when you’re a super sensitive soul (like myself). I spent a lot of my recent years bogged down by society - ideals such as ‘success’, ‘failure’, ‘making it’, ‘social media presence’. If I am honest, I still struggle with this, but it is everywhere. This is our current reality, and it’s tough. I have, however, chosen to live a life that aligns with my core values and pursue paths that aren’t necessarily seen as stable ‘careers’ - music, writing and yoga teaching. While they may not fit neatly into a box, they nourish my soul, and I know that I have to make it work, even though some days I feel as if I have an existential crisis and let my mind go into territories that overwhelm and lead to anxiety and hopelessness. It’s this awareness that helped me realise that this isn’t mental illness. No pill can fix this. Only I can. I am also fortunate to have the help of a team of people that I choose, on my terms.
4: Do whatever it takes and be prepared for shit to get reeeeal weird.
As you can probably tell, I have gone next-level deep and done some pretty weird shit to get to where I am, especially on my Kundalini Yoga journey. I have screamed like a crow, cried so hard my eyes burned, held my arms in the air for so long until I no longer had arms, stared into a stranger's eyes for an uncomfortably long time, hiked up a mountain in the rain, and tried yoga on a boulder and in a river! I have witnessed unbelievable things and have gained the most incredible insights, gratitude, awareness and love. The thing is, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to find that source of pain and DIS-ease, rip it out and transform it to love. It’s the only way we can ever heal.
We have to commit, but, most of all, we have to believe we are deserving of a happy life. Frankly, I didn’t believe that I deserved happiness, and I self-sabotaged at every chance. Why? The answer can only be revealed when you decide that you have had enough and heal the blockages. Many of us don’t, so we remain victims. This is when the mind takes full control and eventually convinces us that there is no way out. The result is believing we are mentally ill. I have felt this. I once thought that there was NO WAY OUT, and I wouldn't have had one if it wasn’t for my support network. I have sat on my yoga mat in what felt like the pits of despair with not a slither of light, but the difference is, I STILL SAT ON THE MAT. I went to many therapy/holistic sessions with a firm belief that they could not help me, but I KEPT GOING.
Time and time again I have been a broken record, declaring that music is the reason for my turmoil and the doubt got me loathing my musical passion, BUT I KEPT SINGING. Now I am song-writing again, performing again, and I am finishing my Bachelor of Music. I had panic attacks before (and during) social events, BUT I WENT REGARDLESS. I basically forced myself to socialise until I enjoyed socialising again. I am just like you. I am no longer attached to the ‘mentally ill’ identity like I once was.
5: Please give yourself a chance. Whatever your situation. Please, please give yourself a chance.
What I do know now is that we are meant to live beautiful yet meaningful lives. Counting moments, not dollars. Measuring happiness, not "success". We have made human existence so complicated. Once I realised this, I was free-ish. I still get caught up in the petty, mundane things that literally mean nothing, but I am now hyper-aware and able to identify my triggers. I can tap into these experiences and these healings I have encountered if I wish to do so. We are all carved from the same creation, we are all made up of the same vibration, and we can all tap into a part of ourselves that is infinite. This is the part of us that doesn’t give up. I never gave up, but I am blessed to support network that didn’t either.
I do what I can, and I take a day at a time.
I try not to put so much pressure on myself or get bogged down in my obsession with ‘success’. I make sure that I am nourishing my body, mind and soul as much as I can and keeping up with whatever works for me at the time. I make sure everything I do is aligned with my soul and my truest values. It is constantly changing. At times, it’s downright exhausting, and a lot of the time I wish for an emotionally easier existence, but I just accept it. I accept this life I have chosen, these inner battles I have chosen to overcome, and I try my best to be grateful for what I DO have.
Please give yourself a chance. Whatever your situation. Please give yourself a chance. You are so loved. If you don’t have a support network, there are people willing to be there for you. There are people out there that are waiting to love you and show you a love you never knew existed. Please don’t give up just yet. You may be lonely, but you are never alone.
In this life we cannot experience light without darkness, this is the ebb and flow of our heartbreaking and wonderful existence. This is what it is to be human. We are perfect in all our imperfections. We are already a masterpiece. We just need to start nurturing that masterpiece back to its colourful glory. We can be happy.
• Ellen May Mara
Sources:
- The Quest for Peace, Ellen Mara
- Kundalini Yoga Collective
- Kniesiologist, Erin Liefeld
