Depression & the Psalms
I dedicate this piece to my daughter, Lilybet.
May you always walk and sing with the Psalmists.
My warped and racing thoughts had torn a hole in my soul. I'm ashamed to say that I lost grip on reality. Memories flooded my mind, triggering my anxiety. It was as if I was sitting in a cinema watching short, painful scenes play on loop. What little sleep I got during my stay in hospital last year was interrupted by fits of panic. Sweat would drench my bed and I'd sit up wide-eyed, heart racing and wonder where I was. Staring at the bland walls and emptiness of the pale hospital room reminded me of the juvenile detention cell of my youth.
Somewhere in the midst of this pain and panic, I was transported to a tutorial room at Macquarie University. It was one of those stuffy, obtusely shaped rooms that could only be used for undergraduate Arts tutorials.
"The Bible?! It's just a made up book about perfect people."
The line bit at me because what initially attracted me to scripture was the fact that many of the men and women were like me: flawed and in need. We could debate all day about whether the books in the Bible were made up, but what can't be debated is whether the people were portrayed as perfect. From Abraham to Jacob to Moses to the judges to David to Solomon to Peter to Saul; these men were flawed and broken. (In fact, a good case can be made that the women in scripture acted with more decency than the men.)
Once this memory faded to black, and I was transported back to my hospital room, a verse of poetry from the Psalms presented itself:
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
Psalms 42:11
Psalm 42 was written by a group of priests, the Sons of Korah, who concentrated their ministry on writing poetry and singing. Some of the oldest remains of written poetry and music are found in the Psalms. This poem was to be sung (hence the reference at the start of the Psalm to the "choirmaster"), to instruct (maskil), and all in devotion to God.
What draws me back to this Psalm - and the same can be said for Psalm 6: My soul also is greatly troubled. But you, O Lord - how long? - is the reference to the “soul”. In referring to the soul, the authors proclaimed a deep sorrow, as matters of the soul were considered of utmost importance at the time. No one would’ve tossed this word around carelessly like we do today. As someone who professes to love God in spite of my bouts of depression, this means a great deal. Here were clear examples of people of faith who struggled with depression and even anxiety.
What I’m setting out to do in this post is explore three ways that the Psalms can assist the sufferer. I’ll use my own lived experience to chart this.
1. Companion
Psalm 42 is for the afflicted. The authors are not locked away in a temple, rather, like worthy companions, they seek out the afflicted and offer to walk alongside. Step for step.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
'Where is your God?'
Psalms 42:2-3
When I first came to faith, I thought the gameplan was to appreciate God and ignore how I might be feeling. Anything else would demonstrate a lack of faith and fulfilment in Him. This is no easy task when you struggle with depression on a biological level. And when you throw in a generalised anxiety disorder, it becomes a particularly painful deal. For years, I hid any and all signs of my mental health issues from believers. My safe place was my desk, where I would write and write and write. There's still a box in my parents' garage labelled "CAM". In this box you will find Moleskine journals filled with philosophical, theological and psychological babble. Within these journals, the Old Testament words of Solomon and Habakkuk, as well as the New Testament words of Jesus and Paul, mixed with the likes of Plato and Aristotle, Hegel and Nietzsche.
Today, my mental health issues walk publicly with my faith. I know that there will always be some Christians who claim that true believers shouldn't (and wouldn't) suffer from depression and anxiety. I also accept that for reasons I will never completely understand, God designed me to be susceptible to depression and anxiety. However, as my hospitalisation last year demonstrated, there are times when this content outlook dims. Sadly, these are times when the black dog roams.
Fortunately, this is also when the Psalms emerge. They are companions during troubling times. When words fail me, the Psalmists speak. When verses from Psalm 42, 13 and 6 came to me in hospital last year, I cried in anguish and appreciation.
2. Consolation
Something a number of angry atheists - think Richard Dawkins - have told me is that "religious people" don't ask questions, they are brainwashed and gullible. While this flies in the face of history - try the reformations of the 16th century - it also ignores the questions men and women of faith have put to God in times of pain and mental anguish.
The Psalms are littered with questions of suffering and pain directed to God:
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul?
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Psalm 13:1-2
There is consolation to be found in these words. As the Psalmists demonstrate, it is not wrong to cry out and ask God "why?" Many times, in the midst of depression, I have also asked these questions.
There is also no promise in scripture that those who love God will not suffer. All who live will suffer at some point. Some will appear to suffer more than others, but what mental illnesses show us is that not all suffering can be seen externally. One of the beautiful concepts about God, however, is that we are told that he sees, understands and wants us to come to him. Therefore, if we believe he does love us, then we can bring these sufferings to him in prayer (or discussion). You don't need to go through anyone, just follow the Psalmists' lead and speak honestly.
I say to God, my rock:
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"
Psalm 42:9
I imagine the Sons of Korah in Psalm 42:9 are referring to physical enemies, King David often refers to enemies in his painstaking Psalms, however, I have found verse nine helpful as I attribute the enemy as being my anxiety disorder and depression.
3. Hope
There is no guarantee that better days are on the horizon when Psalm 42 comes to a close. The Psalmist's external turmoil and internal depression have not subsided. All we are left with is the author’s concept of hope.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
Psalm 42:11
Psalm 42 ends without a firm answer. But what we do know is that the author is still fighting for the hope that God promises throughout scripture. It's not a joyful ending, but it also isn't one of utter despair. This mirrors how many of my days end, especially when my mental health and wellbeing is struggling. I know what I am fighting for and what my God promises, but my present struggles may not be ceasing.
What is important to note is that the Psalmist challenges himself (his thinking). While he can't change external circumstances, he is able to question his thoughts and state of mind - Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? This leads him to preach to himself - hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. It is in this response that we see the power of preaching to yourself in the midst of depression and anxiety. This verse reminds me of a book a pastor gave me when I was struggling a few years ago, Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cure by Dr Martyn Lloyd-Jones.
Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them but they are talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc. Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you. Now this man’s treatment was this: instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself. “Why art thou cast down, O my soul?” he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says, “Self, listen for a moment, I will speak to you.”
As difficult as it is when you are experiencing clinical depression and in the throes of excruciating pain, we must find a moment to whisper truth. God loves you. He walks with you, and he will deliver you. Remember the times you have pulled through, remind yourself that this is only temporary, and place your hope in the one who is eternal.
When I was in hospital last year, I reminded myself this. I knew that I had to visualise my hope and place it before my anxiety disorder and depression. As Leonard Cohen wrote,
Ring the bells that still can ring,
Forget your perfect offering,
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in.
In preaching to ourselves we find this crack. It may be minuscule, but it is there. When I was in hospital I doubted. My surroundings compounded my depression and anxiety, but when Psalm 42 came to me I was reminded of where my hope is planted.
