I find the holidays a frightening and arduous proposition.
I find the holidays a frightening and arduous proposition.
Do I feel bad? Yes, but not like I used to. For years I dreaded the calendar flip to December. It was as if I’d emotionally check out and take off to an island inhabited by us few* souls who don't enjoy the "festive season". Throw in a unique alignment to Christianity, a wonderful wife and generous family, and you get a clusterfuck followed by a festive guilt-trip.
Before we dive into why some of us who struggle with depression and anxiety find this period difficult, let me dot-point where we’re going. (I can hear my manager's dot-point-loving voice, "Don't write paragraphs, just give dot-points.")
Small talk scares me
Mentally buggered (before mains arrive)
Christmas consumerism
My “small talk” face.
Small talk scares me
I want you to try something. First, go to Google. Type: Christmas social anxiety. Enter.
71,800,000 results. *I need to scroll up and remove ‘few’ from what I wrote about taking off to an island.
One reason I think many of us worry about Christmas festivities is due to a fear of small talk and conversation anxiety. I can’t recall a time I didn’t think twice about attending a Christmas or New Year’s event due to social (or conversation) anxiety.
While I’m not entirely sure what the difference is between social awkwardness and social anxiety, I’ll offer the American Psychological Association’s definition of social anxiety: A persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be embarrassing and humiliating.
I think it’s in this “possible scrutiny by others” that many of us take softball questions — eg. “do you enjoy the job?” — and worry about revealing a flaw.
“This distorted fatal flaw is what we carry around with us if we have social anxiety. And we work really hard to try to conceal it, because we believe that if we actually engage, or if we stop avoiding, then it will be revealed, and we’ll be judged and rejected for it.” - Ellen Hendriksen, clinical psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders.
After working with psychologists, employing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) practices and considering research, I’ve found that reminding myself of my tendency to frame social occasions around this fatal-flaw-turn-judgement thinking can assist in moving past it. Remember, we don’t want to ignore how and what we feel, instead we want to create opportunities to step out and remind ourselves of truths:
Note: Check out ’2.3.4. Psychological interventions’ in Social Anxiety Disorder: Recognition, Assessment and Treatment for practices, exercises and therapies that can assist in moving forward. Loved ones and carers should also consider this reading as it will help you assist in an informed manner.
Mentally buggered (before mains arrive)
Consider what Fitzgerald was pointing out...
There’s nothing quite like seeing a Christmas feast hit the table. For years there were two reasons for the joy that spread across my face when mains are served on Christmas day:
Christmas prawns and ham.
Food becomes the focus.
Over the last few years, I’ve challenged this thinking and stopped myself from retreating internally; opting to remain present and open-minded. I believe the concept and practice of active listening is crucial to breaking the mental and emotional hold that anxious thought patterns possess. Instead of pondering what questions might be chucked my way and attempting to prepackage answers, I’ve started listening with an open mind so that natural curiosity can play a part.
I think that getting out of your head by practicing cognitive restructuring will teach us to identify thoughts in real-time, reorientate and challenge long-held expectations.
And let’s face it, you ought to enjoy the few days you get off work!
Christmas consumerism
We’ve become good at saying that consumerism isn’t the spirit of Christmas, but what do our actions reveal?
When my partner was pregnant during Christmas in 2016, we felt the familial pressure to pop “the news” during Christmas festivities, so we visited all five families. This marathon tested our relationship as I often felt the desire to grab my beer, slip out a back door and do a runner.
During our visit to one family, I noticed that there were enough presents stacked under the Christmas tree that they blocked out the first rung of branches. Seeing this took me back to childhood memories of delight and dismay. Christmases distinguished in my mind’s eye by what I received—or what I didn’t receive.
There’s a tinge of sadness that goes with admitting that we haven’t visited that side of the family for Christmas since, in part because I don’t want to lay eyes on the great wall of presents handed out to the children. I’m also hoping to keep my daughter from mindless consumerism that makes us mark events and celebrations by what we receive in gifts.
Consider this take from someone who works as a “sustainability innovator”:
“Human generosity is an amazing thing, but nowadays we are so inundated with quick and easy consumption choices that are marketed to get us to part with our money in exchange for products that come hidden with unintended consequences.
From swapping stuff for experiences to getting crafty, there are many ways to give gifts that don’t buy into the hyper-consumption frenzy that the holidays bring us.” - Leyla Acaroglu
This idea of gifting “experiences” appeals to me more than “practical” gifts—socks and undies! For example, this year we’ve given Lily’s grandfather, ‘BOP’, a ticket to Taronga Zoo so that he can take Lily on the ferry, show his granddaughter around the area of Sydney he grew up, and take her to see the animals.
No, this present doesn’t come in a bloody big box. Still, it is something that will create memories and an experience that diverts from our habit of assessing, consuming and discarding. It’s not that wrapped gifts can’t be special, it’s that we’ve become a society that over-consumes (even to the point of significant debt), especially during the holidays.
Finally, it’s worth considering the stress that can build in the lead up to Christmas. Head to a shopping centre in Sydney in mid-December and it will likely resemble organised chaos. I know, I know, some people apparently thrive in these conditions. But I’m going to go with what the department store attendant told me last weekend, “I don’t know if I can do another year of working here in December!”
There’s no doubt that internet shopping has become more prominent, though I haven’t seen much in the way of articles or research indicating that online shopping has lowered stressors and workloads during the festive season. A key reason for this may be due to the role that lived experience and attitude play in creating stress, anxiety and fatigue. My first tip comes via my wife: pull out a calendar and make plans for when you should start planning and shopping for Christmas. And the second tip: learn your limits and what you need to prioritise.
Here’s to hoping this isn’t your 2019 experience!
