World Bipolar Day: Inside Bipolar Podcast
World Bipolar Day falls on 30 March, the birthday of Vincent van Gogh, who was posthumously diagnosed with bipolar disorder (BD). My initial thoughts on this day are about how difficult life would've been for those like Vincent who lived with BD before it was diagnosed and effectively treated. Vincent's pain is well known, but it's worth reading his letters to learn more about his inner workings and how he encountered the world around him.
Unlike van Gogh, when I was diagnosed with BD, I had a wealth of information to digest to understand the disorder. Two especially useful sources were Stephen Fry's The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive documentary for gaining insight into various lived experiences and research, and Dr Jamison's An Unquiet Mind, an engaging memoir that helpfully incorporates psychiatric and medical knowledge.
Most recently, I've found myself agitated and angry with the disorder. At the heart of this agitation is a desire to stop taking medication to return to mania! I've wanted to throw off sluggish energy levels, depression and side effects of drugs and replace it with mania's raucous energy and confidence (a mindset that resides a world away from depression). While, in theory, I understand that this is a misguided and dangerous desire, I haven't been able to shake the craving. I've had chats with health professionals about mania being unhealthy and dopamine flooding the brain being dangerous, but I still crave it like someone does a drug.
One of the most helpful responses (and rebukes!) came from a podcast: Inside Bipolar. The podcast is hosted by Gabe Howard, who lives with bipolar disorder, and psychiatrist Dr Nicole Washington, who treats bipolar patients. And this mix of personal experiences from Gabe and professional insights and research from Dr Washington helps consider the spectrum of the illness. There’s a wide range of topics covered in interesting and relatable ways to assist those living with BD and supporters.
One of the episodes that addressed my recent issues was, Is Mania a Good or Bad Symptom of Bipolar Disorder?
What resonated most was Dr Washington, who I wish was my psychiatrist, making the point that mania lies to you and often appears like a desirous state because of its polarity to depression and suicide ideation. ⤵️
When somebody is depressed and they tell me, I’d rather just stop all my meds and be manic than to deal with depression. I feel like a used car salesman. I mean, I really have to try to convince them that mania isn’t this great and wonderful thing because you’re not able to remember all the bad stuff that happened when you were manic. You’re not able to remember overdrawing your account and not being able to pay your mortgage and, you know, doing risky sex things like you’re just not able to remember those things. You are just holding onto the feeling, which I would imagine is a great feeling if it was in a vacuum.
Hearing this led me to my journals to see what I wrote last year during my manic period. What became clear was that I’d forgotten about my terrible decision making (I’d compare it to being drunk), heightened levels of irritability, unpredictability and then the hallucinations that took over when the mania intensified. My unpredictable behaviour, coupled with rapid speech and disjointed thoughts, got so extreme that my two daughters couldn’t be left alone with me!
This led to the next stinging point from Gabe’s lived experience: You can't have mania without the rest — psychosis, depression, and suicide ideation.
For me, it was about compromise. I can have a reasonable quality of life, reasonable control of my emotions, and I can move forward without hurting myself or others. But did I get rid of the mania? Yes, but I also got rid of the bad. So, it goes hand in hand. You can’t get rid of one without the other. And I know there are people who will tell you, “oh, yes, you can get rid of the depression and ride the lightning of mania.” I would challenge that. Maybe it works for them. I don’t walk in their shoes. But for the majority of people living with bipolar disorder, you’ve got to get rid of both. That’s what did it for me, right? Yes, I got rid of the mania, but I also got rid of the suicidal depression.
In another helpful episode, Stopping Mania Before It Starts, addiction to mania is unpacked and warned against. And yes, this hit home ⤵️
Mania can be addictive, and I think that we need to approach it in that way. We need to approach it like it’s an addiction because addictions, they feel good in the moment and we understand that. That’s one of the things that keeps people addicted. But as we’ve learned from addiction therapy, it’s very short-lived and it ruins the rest of your life.
There you have it, a podcast that cut through my double-thick stubbornness and spoke sense to my unhealthy and dangerous craving. It's been so helpful in this first year of navigating the disorder to find insight from health professionals but even more from those who have lived with the disorder for years. These lived experiences, such as Gabe's, are insightful and even inspiring — something I reckon anyone living with such a pervasive illness needs.
Check out Inside Bipolar, as there's a variety of helpful topics discussed, and please share it with others who might be in need, as caring and sharing is what World Bipolar Day is all about.
Happy World Bipolar Day to my bipolar brothers and sisters!
PS. There's also a wealth of TEDx Talks on YouTube that further traverse bpd and share wisdom and uplifting advice.
