Mental Health Reading: An Unquiet Mind, Kay Redfield Jamison
Last year I experienced my first extreme manic episode. For weeks I slept less than two hours a night and spent most of those nights in the bathtub pouring through books — and talking to myself. It felt like I didn’t need sleep. My heartbeat was jacked as I lay in bed at night, and my senses were supercharged. What I didn’t understand was that the amount of dopamine flooding my brain wasn’t sustainable. Sure enough, after a few weeks of being manic, I turned psychotic and took to the streets chasing hallucinations and paranoias: I saw people following me and tracking me through my iPhone, which I threw away, and I hollered for baristas at my local cafe to call the police.
This psychotic break climaxed in believing that I was Jesus Christ and that because I was 34 years old, I needed to find my father so that he could crucify me for the world’s sins. At about the halfway point to my parents’ place, I decided to take off my clothes because they harked back to Adam and Eve covering themselves — and I was sinless.
Eventually, the police caught up to me marching along a road stark naked — imagine confronting that raving scene! — but the first cop to try and stop my sacrificial mission was greeted with a swift punch to the jaw.
I had lost my mind.
My next memory was waking up in Emergency and beginning to sweat and convulse as police officers watched on and asked what drugs I had consumed. By the time I was admitted to a mental health ward my manic mind (and body) was fried.
Thankfully, the hospital assigned a considerate psychiatrist to my case. Because the psych discussed mutual interests, we connected over our shared appreciation for Hilary Mantel’s novels, I was OK with answering questions about my psychosis and wellbeing. It was after a few discussions that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and we discussed what that meant. Before leaving, the psych scribbled the title of a book on a piece of paper and recommended I check it out ⤵️
My first reading of Dr Jamison’s memoir occurred while I was levelling out from my manic episode, but what stayed with me was how helpful it was to read another lived experience, along with the added bonus of Dr Jamison’s medical expertise.
I have had many concerns with writing a book that so explicitly describes my own attacks of mania, depression and psychosis, as well as my problems acknowledging the need for ongoing medication. Clinicians have been, for obvious reasons of licensing and hospital privileges, reluctant to make their psychiatric problems known to others. These concerns are often well warranted. I have no idea what the long-term effects of discussing such issues so openly will be on my personal and professional life, but, whatever the consequences, they are bound to be better than continuing to be silent. — An Unquiet Mind
What I want to do with this review is share two ways that Dr Jamison assists patients and carers navigating a disorder which the rate of suicide is approximately 10–30 times higher than the corresponding rate in the general population.
Relatable for patients
What was most beneficial in reading An Unquiet Mind after I left hospital was understanding the different episodes related to bipolar disorder through the author’s experiences. The esteemed clinician possesses the rare ability to write an engaging memoir and incorporate psychiatric and medical knowledge. This is gold for anyone who doesn’t want to just read dry fact sheets or medical websites.
Manic-depression [bipolar disorder] distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviours, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide.
What was heartening as someone struggling to come to terms with the disorder, medication and societal stigma was to read Dr Jamison’s journey navigating these issues — it felt therapeutic connecting with someone far more experienced with the illness. It also helps that the writing is engaging and evocative; she’s able to put words to positive and negative feelings and experiences I can’t ⤵️
There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence and euphoria pervade one’s marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humour and absorption on friends’ faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against — you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.
Helpful for carers
I was fortunate that my mum also wanted to read An Unquiet Mind to discuss and better understand the illness that brought on my manic and psychotic episodes. The author’s raw honesty and depth of understanding proved helpful for Mum, who underlined and wrote notes in margins to compare and contrast with her son’s behaviours and experiences.
“The book opened my eyes and helped because I could see our situation in what she had experienced. So it really was a wonderful look into the world of bipolar disorder and what it means to have an unquiet mind.”
Although An Unquiet Mind was published 28 years ago, it remains a seminal text and relevant in addressing manic depression, medication, psychotherapy, and clinical research. Perhaps its most important impact, though, is how it connects with and offers advice for those facing an illness that is complex and often frightening — it’s also a must read for anyone who (like me) has expressed a desire not to be brought down from mania. Dr Jamison tackles this dilemma while exploring the positive and negative aspects of the disorder.
We’d recommend An Unquiet Mind to anyone who wants to learn more about mental health disorders, anyone living with bipolar disorder, and carers who want to better understand what loved ones are navigating.
