Who cares for the carer?
I dedicate this post to Claire and Leigh.
The spring breeze gripped my shoulders as I sat down at a table outside of the Macquarie University gymnasium. Flicking open the newspaper, I instinctively chugged some of my skim cap.
That was the headline staring back at me. (Aussie Rules star Buddy Franklin had decided to step away from the Sydney Swans and the AFL to address mental health issues. This was picked up by journos, with some stooping to the level of gossiping about Franklin’s relationship with Jesinta Campbell. If it sells, right?) And there I was at the time—unemployed and on an official ‘leave of absence’ from my post-grad study due to mental health issues.
Reason 9: Because Jesinta and Buddy may still be absorbing the news that mental illness can be hereditary.
What about my poor wife? I thought to myself as I kept reading.
Did Claire realise what she was signing up for?
Can she play a ‘get out of jail free’ card?
These are some of the questions that swirled while reading the article.
Claire and I have sailed calm and choppy waters for over five years now. Choppy waters appeared on the horizon early in our marriage, when I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). GAD first made itself known through nights of tossing, turning and staring at the cracks in the bedroom ceiling.
After a few weeks of this nightmarish routine, I confided in a general practitioner (GP) about what I was experiencing. That’s when the GP asked if I could bring my wife for the next appointment.
Bring my wife?!
Up until this point, I had hidden my mental health issues from Claire. I’m not saying I hid well, or that Claire wasn’t able to work it out, I just felt a strong desire to keep up appearances. After sputtering over whether I would tell Claire that the GP wanted to meet, I eventually decided that there wasn’t much left to lose.
What I remember clearly about the GP visit with Claire was how still we sat in the pristine office while the GP fetched pamphlets. Before long, I began the process of transferring internal anguish into words. The compassionate GP affirmed my struggles and walked us through pamphlets and print-outs on anxiety, depression, and what deteriorating mental health can do to individuals, couples and families.
Towards the end of the session, I decided to make eye contact with Claire. I glanced over as you’d expect a loyal dog to an owner. Without saying anything, she placed her hand on mine. I was reminded of how fortunate I am to have a partner who chooses to understand.
Who cares for the carer?
This question came to me after I reflected on my bouts of depression and anxiety. Despite how far society has come in raising awareness for mental health and those suffering, we still don’t hear much when it comes to how carers are affected and assistance they might need. For example, the author of the Buddy Franklin Telegraph article did little to address issues and instead offered unhelpful and outdated thinking.
Part of the answer to questions surrounding carers and creating healthy and open environments is affirmation. As someone who has struggled, I know I must affirm and listen to those who help me navigate mental health issues. More than that, I need to ask questions and encourage them to seek personal and professional support.
If you are currently caring for someone battling mental health issues, ask yourself if you are taking the time to care for yourself.
Have you considered what it looks like to take care of your mental, emotional and physical health?
Part of caring is to care for yourself. Taking the time to care for yourself will help prevent you getting physically rundown and allow you to deal with the thoughts, emotions and stress that can be associated with caring for someone with a mental illness. - Black Dog Institute
Please check out Beyond Blue’s Looking after yourself for more information and assistance.
The second half of this piece consists of a Q&A with Claire, regarding caring for someone battling with mental health issues and what help she’s received.
What were some of your initial thoughts regarding your husband’s depression and anxiety?
Claire: One initial thought was, I know we can make it through this. And I don’t know why I was so sure that we would, it was just an assurance I had, and I trusted that God would see us through.
I was also reminded of our wedding vows. It became something like a mantra – for better or worse, through sickness and in health. I remember thinking that it was a ridiculous expectation to go through life without pain and hardship.
I wasn’t a stranger to depression and anxiety, but seeing a loved go through it can be harder than you think.
What were some of your fears?
Whether my husband would succumb to suicide.
Now, I guess the biggest fear is the next dark cloud and whether this will be experienced by Cam or even myself. And I fear we’ll become complacent during positive times. Not that we aren’t allowed to be happy, rather that we’ll fail to further develop habits to assist us when the clouds come.
What have you found helpful for learning about mental health issues?
After the doctor gave us pamphlets and websites to check out - The Black Dog Institute was our first port of call, I found some informative blogs and services like Lifeline’s crisis line and BeyondBlue’s supporting others. I also started to keep an eye out for brochures and information at the GP clinic. You’d be surprised what is available at clinics and hospitals.
The Black Dog Institute’s Journey with the Black Dog was a pivotal read. This collection of stories journeyed through others’ experiences and strategies for living with mental illness. It gave me insight into what sufferers and their carers have and continue to go through. No story was the same, no treatment or strategy was the same, which was kind of a comfort of sorts. It’s hard to explain, but it just made it clear to me that each person’s experience of mental illness varies and yet there’s a way to bring the black dog into heel to some extent.
Have you sought help?
Yes. Fortunately, the GP Cam mentioned met with me and spoke about community mental health teams that could assist Cam through home visits and access to therapy. This helped me know where I could turn and what direction to take when needed.
During my pregnancy, my mental health was kept in check by my midwife from Ryde Midwifery, and both she and our GP gave me referrals to see a psychologist. There was also a perinatal specialist that Cam and I saw after our daughter was born. We came into contact with the clinician through the community mental health team, and she was inclusive, visited our home and interacted and supported us as a family. As a new mother with a struggling partner her encouraging feedback and insights were invaluable. (Please check out Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia (PANDA) if you want to learn more about perinatal mental health and services available in Australia.)
I also picked a few mates to talk to and act as something like what you’d call a support network. It was very natural; most had experienced mental health issues in some way. And while it sometimes feels like family and friends are on the periphery, I am grateful for those who stick it out during the hard times, or those that randomly check-in. It makes a difference having people you’ve known for some time to turn to, and knowing that they are in your corner.
What do you think other carers most need to hear?
That they aren’t alone in this.
That others have and are going through the same thing.
That there is help for carers and that they shouldn’t be afraid of seeking it. Cam wasn’t always happy with me sharing about his and our struggles. But in the long run, he’s seen the benefits and is thankful that I pushed forward.
Do you ever grow weary in the relationship in part because of mental health issues?
There were (and, let’s be honest, are) many times where I feel weary in our relationship. Cam can be hilarious and sincerely social in public and then come home and become a ghost. Those scenarios, when it comes to mental health issues, are hard and lonely for partners.
Maybe weary isn’t always the right word…
In any case, what keeps me going when our relationship isn’t crash hot, is knowing that we’re in this thing called life together. It’s not something I often describe but having made a vow to live our lives together, and for God, well it releases us of a certain control over our lives. We certainly have a responsibility to each other, but God is the sovereign one over our lives. That and I remember why it was that we entered into this relationship in the first place. Trips down memory lane help, and while time has passed since then, and while there have been some real rough patches, that’s life, and it hasn’t necessarily taken all of life and love out of us.
