Mental Health Reading: Men At Birth, David Vernon
Thank you to Claire for gifting this book during the first pregnancy.
My better half told me in her own subtle way that she was pregnant back in October 2020. After doing the dash to check the two pregnancy tests, I thought back to our first pregnancy in 2017, specifically, the anxiety and depression that I experienced leading up to the birth of Lilybet. These difficult memories were then replaced by more recent ones of working from home and spending more time with my daughter. It’s a joy to see how things have changed.
While considering the upcoming birthing period, I turned to a book I read in the lead up to Lily’s birth. ⤵️
It is my hope that men who read ‘Men at Birth’, by becoming familiar with birth, will be able to let go of any excessive anxiety they may have about their upcoming experience. By becoming familiar with birth, its vagaries and its delights, you will be better prepared. You will know about birth’s vicissitudes and how men react in different circumstances. Armed with knowledge of scenarios that may arise you can focus on providing the support that your lover requires to bring your baby into the world. — David Vernon
What I want to do in this piece is reflect on the important role that lived experiences play and echo the belief that men need support networks during and after the birthing period. I also want to stress that perinatal mental health is complex and can affect women and men.
Lived experiences matter
I knew I wanted to major in modern history during my undergraduate Arts studies after reading letters written between Abigail and John Adams. Reading first-person accounts and views, through letters and memoirs, was fascinating as I'm someone who likes to consider different opinions — warts and all.
So when it came to parenthood and birthing, I didn’t want to just refer to textbooks or best-selling gurus. I tell you this because it gives insight into why this book, in which editor David Vernon compiled birthing stories from various fathers from different backgrounds and walks of life, was one of the few books I returned to for this second pregnancy.
Many books provide comments along the lines that men need to be supportive, helpful, experts in massage and help the woman breathe in the right spots. But what does providing support mean for the practical bloke who spends more time in his shed than giving massages? Or for the office worker who is adept at handling his email, but whose legs wobble at the thought of handling a newly born baby?
Well, this book tells it how it is, how other men have provided support, the benefits of that support and how they felt about the birth of their child. — David Vernon
Reading practical experiences of “natural births” at home, “water births” at birthing centres, and various hospital births, all from the father’s perspective, helped me prepare for our birth. Considering the hopes and fears of other fathers also helped process what I feared about my wife’s desired water birth — primarily my role in assisting alongside only one midwife on the day!
Working through fears and negative thoughts with a psychologist (using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques) helped us on the birthing day: contractions started at 2am, we arrived at the hospital close to midday, Claire gave birth around 9pm, and staff woke me to take Claire and our baby home after 2am the next morning.
We all need a support network
“Did you talk with many fathers in the lead up to Lily’s birth?” Claire asked.
“No. I didn’t feel able — I felt ashamed.”
“Ashamed of what?”
“I didn’t have a full-time job, let alone a career. I had expected to have that in place before children. Plus, I remember Dad’s disapproving comments in the lead-up.”
Claire and I had this conversation recently. While it’s sad that I didn’t feel able to approach mates or fathers, there were chapters in Men At Birth where similar concerns were expressed. This reading helped me contemplate thoughts and offered connection during dark days. ⤵️
I loved my [newborn] son. There was no doubt. I never felt any rejection towards him, which can sometimes be associated with postnatal depression. What I did feel was sadness, anger and agitation. I often fought with my wife and I didn’t behave like me. …
When I examined my feelings and got some professional help, I discovered that I was anxious about being a father. The weight of the decisions you make as a parent are completely different to decisions you make about your own life. I was concerned about the financial stability of our family and my ability to provide for my wife, myself and, most importantly, for our newborn son. — Dave Cowling, Men At Birth
I remember revisiting Dave’s chapter a few weeks after Lily was born and wondering if I had heard another father share these thoughts — I hadn’t.
Sadly even after reading a few honest accounts like Dave’s, I still felt overwhelmed and hid what felt like shame and anguish. What became clear to my loved ones, though, was that I needed professional assistance — which slowly led to understanding what support networks for mental health and wellbeing look like.
What is a mental health support network?
The best place I turned to after discussing what my support network should look like with a local Community Mental Health team was MensLine Australia:
A support network describes ‘your team’ – the people who share your life that you can turn to for encouragement, support and personal growth.
Having a good support network is a vital tool in maintaining your mental health and wellbeing. As social creatures, our relationships and connections are a basic and core need, behind only physical and safety needs in importance. Support networks can take many forms, but for most people it is family, friends and colleagues that make up your network and offer support during the good and bad times. - MensLine Australia, The power of a good support network
Being the scribbler I am, I started by listing names of family and friends I think would be best to assist in discussing mental illness, wellbeing & fatherhood. It wasn't a long list: I drafted five names and didn’t feel each needed to tick all three areas. Two male mates weren't fathers, but they had experienced mental health issues and were deep thinkers.
Having different perspectives is an important reason for having a support network, as it allows you to see issues from different points of view. Therefore, its useful to have a mix of different people in your network, who can bring different life perspectives, giving us a more complete picture of the situation. Having several ‘go-to’ people also ensures you do not over-rely on your supports and exhaust them. - MensLine Australia
I also want to stress that suffering in silence can lead to serious health risks. For me, it meant I avoided leaving the house, or even certain rooms, as anxious thoughts would play on loop. The isolation also fed my depression by amplifying thoughts of shame. Ultimately, it left my wife and our baby in a difficult position.
If you’re a bloke and experiencing anything like what I’ve described, please know that help is available and that books like Men At Birth are helpful to serve as entry points into processing and understanding what help is available.
Further assistance available in Australia:
- MensLine Australia: 1300 78 99 78 / https://mensline.org.au
- Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia (PANDA): 1300 726 306 / https://www.panda.org.au
- Lifeline Australia: 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au
